Recovery.

Part of me wants to throw myself into the deep end of recovery, and another part of me just doesn’t give a shit anymore. I just want to stay in bed or sit in my chair and rot away. I’m trying to think about my kids and husband for motivation, but as terrible as this sounds, I shamefully admit that I’m too apathetic to even be motivated by them right now. I feel like lasting stability will never happen for me. Why keep trying? Why keep fighting so painfully hard? I’ll always fall right back to this place. There’s just no fucking use.

I’m sorry. I thought I was in a place that I could start a blog about hope and awareness, but I was dead wrong. I thought I could be a voice for people suffering, but I can’t even whisper for myself.

Depression? Mania? A side of both, please.

I’m in a mixed state.

Cool.

I hate this. I hate hate haaaaaaate mixed states. I just want to crawl out of my skin. My last mixed state landed my ass in the psych ward for a 72 hold. 

I just want to be able to function. I’m okay with the ups and downs and the pills and whatever. I mean, I’m not okay with it, but I can accept it. If I could ever just get to the point that I could take the things this bitch of an illness throws at me without being knocked to the ground.

How am I going to finish school? How am I going to keep a job? How can I do anything if I crumble into uselessness whenever I hit a bad episode?

If there is an answer, can someone just please fucking tell me already?

One another note, I think I might go back to residential. I need to finish what I started at Timberline Knolls. What I wasn’t ready to do back then. I’m ready now, and I really think I need to take that step. But as much love as I have for TK, like hell I’m going all the way back to Chicago. So I’m looking into this place in Edmonds, WA. It’s not very far from where I live. 

I also want to go to school this quarter, which starts January 6 and ends in March. So I might go in March. I don’t know.

I’m just going to get through the holidays and then figure it all out, I guess.

Merry effin Christmas!

Finals, yay.

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve updated my blog. I have been swamped with homework and studying. Tomorrow is my last final and then I’m free until next quarter! I’m going to post my review of the books soon. Also, after a bunch of bullshitty bullshit, I’ve decided that I’m going to get my bipolar disorder documented at my college’s disability office, and take advantage of the opportunities I have in front of me. I haven’t done it yet because I’ve wanted to do school “on my own”, but I’m facing the reality that by refusing the help, I’m just fucking myself over. My point in all of this is to say that I’ll write about my experience with that whole process (once it occurs) as it might really help one of you! 

So I do have some stuff planned, I just haven’t had the time to eat, let alone write a blog post.

Stay tuned, Kari will be back right after these finals.