Riding the roller coaster. So nothing new.

I’m feeling better today. Much more sane. That’s the thing about this stupid fucking disorder. You go to bed never knowing how you’re going to feel when you wake up in the morning.

Sometimes I don’t even know how I’m going to feel in an hour. 

To clarify, by better I mean that I’m not a complete basket case. No more “foreign film in hyper speed” or however I put it. Just back to my low mood and zero energy, which has basically become my status quo. 

However, I did have an appointment with my psychiatrist today. It went much better than my last appointment. I was starting to feel like I was falling through the cracks; my psychiatrist is so overbooked that I can only see him every few weeks for 15 minutes. I don’t think he’s aware of this problem. He tells me to schedule an appointment in two weeks, and when I tell the receptionist, she says he doesn’t have anything for 3-4 weeks, and can only squeeze me in for 15 minutes. During my last appointment, he told me that my illness is “too complex” for him to treat in the frequency and amount of time that I see him, and basically put the blame on me for that (or at least that’s what it felt like). I didn’t defend myself because, well, I didn’t really know what to say. So I was really anxious about going in today. But this appointment was unexpectedly 30 minutes, so we were able to work some things out, and it went really well. I’m going to add a med called Luvox to the mix and see how that works. He’s calling this Plan Q. I thought that was great. Though more accurate if we’ve gone around the alphabet twice already.

Well, that’s the latest. 

Sigh.

One day, one hour, one minute at time…

I’m losing it.

My brain is foggy. It’s full of noise and objects that keep bouncing around like a pinball, and it’s occupying all of my time and energy. My dreams, daydreams, and reality all seem so equally ridiculous that they blur together, and at times I’m not sure what has actually happened and what hasn’t. My thoughts are stampeding through my head so quickly that I don’t have enough time to examine them. I’m so fucking tired, but the white noise in my head is keeping me awake at night; like trying to sleep with someone screaming in your ear. If I can shut that up, the bullet train of thoughts about nothing and everything keeps me awake. It’s like watching a foreign film in hyper speed. During the day my thoughts are just as fast but my body is a slug. It’s exhausting trying to keep up with myself. Then there’s this whole rest-of-the-world business, which of course slows down for no one.

I read an article today about the “starving artist” appeal of accessorizing with a mental disorder. Perhaps I’m missing the sex appeal.